Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mandy's Musings: When Corey Haim To Me to Prom

Let’s talk about preteen Mandy. And her preteen best friend, Amber. (I suppose today they’d be called “tweens,” but this is Mandy’s nostalgia talking, and we didn’t use stupid words like “tween” back then. We were just kids waiting to get to ride in the back of the bus away from the kindergartners and to grow boobs and shave our legs.) Now, keep in mind, since they’re preteens, this is before they got in trouble doing stupid teenage stuff, like sneaking out and kissing boys. This is when they just dreamed about sneaking out and kissing boys. Before they knew what all that really led to. When the only model for romance they had was watching movies on HBO, back when it was a part of basic cable. (It was channel 18, by the way.)

Mandy and Amber spent days after school playing Barbies and dress up, and pretending their Barbies or imaginary teenage alter egos were getting ready for dates with the Hollywood hunks of the time. At this point, they were usually getting ready for prom. Which was great, because Mandy’s older cousin who’d already graduated gave her all her old prom dresses for just such an occasion. They were very poofy and pink and ruffly, but the girls didn’t mind. After all, they also inherited make-up and high heels and lots and lots of hairspray. Usually the girls gave themselves fake names to go with their fake personas. Because of course, fake girls who were 5’10” with long blonde hair and huge boobs needed really cool names, like Cynthia or Jasmine.

One day, on the school bus ride home, Amber decided they needed to make “little black books.” Like they had any clue what a little black book really was. We, I mean, they, just thought it was a place where you wrote down all the names of the hot guys. Mandy’s “little black book” was a purple notebook about the size of a folded dollar with white hearts. There were two columns: one for guys they actually knew from school, and one for famous guys that even they, as preteen girls, knew they’d never have a chance with. Column one was filled with names like … well, let’s not go there. After all, Mandy and Amber still live in the same small town they grew up in (and most of those guys have grown into worthless men). But column two held names like Charlie Sheen (who is still on Mandy’s list), Christian Slater, Kiefer Sutherland, Tom Cruise (give them a break - they were young, and he wasn’t crazy then… or short), and of course, the two Coreys, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. Basically, all the guys from “Young Guns”, “The Outsiders”, or “License to Drive”.

Usually, Corey and Corey would pick up Cynthia and Jasmine at Mandy’s bedroom door and escort them to prom, which was in the space between Mandy’s bed and dresser. Because it couldn’t be in the family room, that’s where Mandy’s two sisters and two brothers were fighting over whether to watch WWF or Who’s the Boss. So they took the four steps to the high school gym which was decorated with lots of stuffed animals and a Garfield bedspread, and cranked up the boom box which usually played New Kids on the Block, Bon Jovi, and Tiffany, because Mandy only had three cassette tapes. They would dance and drink punch (water) and have a wonderful dreamy time, until one of the Corey’s spiked the punch (water) and got into a fight with the other Corey because his date was prettier. Which was about the time that Mandy and Amber got into a real fight and Amber had to walk home. Then Mandy’s step-brother would ask her why she had on so much make-up and looked like a hooker. They didn’t find out what a hooker was until a couple years later, when they saw Pretty Woman. And then they thought being a hooker was cool because they get to meet rich guys and swim in bathtubs and get way better prom dresses. But of course, this was when they were preteens, and still thought that sex was just being really, really close to someone on the beach (i.e. “Cocktail”), and when movies showing on HBO in the afternoon didn’t show much more than that. Now, of course, they know better, and no longer want to be hookers. Or have sex with Richard Gere.

But I digress... Preteen Mandy and preteen Amber were totally in love with Corey Haim. Grown-up Mandy almost ran off the road today when she heard on the radio while driving home from work that Corey Haim has passed away. Grown-up Mandy is sad and has gone into her cocoon, so preteen Mandy has taken over temporarily. Preteen Mandy has a message for Corey:


Dear Corey,
Hey, remember when I first saw you? I think it was in “License to Drive.” I always wished I had a twin sister, but not a nerdy one like yours. Hey, wasn’t it weird that you were like, almost grown up, and your mom was having a baby? That’s wild!! I liked watching you in that movie, you were so cute. That driver’s exam man was a complete meany. Was it way cool to be able to drive and be in a movie at the same time? Everyone so totally wanted to change their name to “Mercedes” so that you’d like them. I wonder if that’s why future-Mandy’s sister named her first kid Mercedes? (true story)
I felt really bad for you in “Lucas” because that pretty girl didn’t like you like that. If it makes you feel better, I like you like that. But I like Charlie Sheen like that, too. But I like you like that better. Did it hurt when you caught the football and got tackled and had to go to the hospital? I almost cried when you opened your locker and found the letterman jacket.
I really loved watching you in “The Lost Boys.” That movie was so freaky!!! I can’t believe you almost had to kill your brother! I have a couple of brothers you can get rid of. I’m glad it all worked out in the end, and I’m glad your brother was okay, even though he could be a jerk. I wish you could make a sequel to that movie!!
Oh no, Corey, I have to get to gym class.
WBS!!
TLA!!!
Love, preteen Mandy



Hmm… Well… now that Grown-up Mandy is back, she still has something she would like to ask Corey: Where do you stick it in a mermaid? And do you have any clue what happened to my little black book? It disappeared from my hiding spot, along with my twenty bucks. Which was a lot of money for a preteen in 1990. She could have bought a Barbie Jeep or something.


Mandy's Musings is a column of www.generationgossip.com.

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